My big fat mallu dance!!!

I danced a mallu dance. For me, for my mil... It was fun. Met my generation in the mallu church, made new friend. Saying 'yes' is quite an adventure..

And I am 2 kgs lighter too!!



















And the dance itself.. Where am I?

Dance video

(putting the link cos that got uploaded, but blog didn't!)

A good photo of me, finally!!!

My son's in Kerela. My husband at a meeting. Suddenly I have a lot of time to myself... Watched tv... Played with my phone.... Watched more tv... More fb and iPhone... Miss my men, enjoyed the me time... Maybe tomorrow I'll have a bubble bath!!!

Moving on

A lot of new stuff for me this last 2 decades. Someone said we change every 7 years. Can you look at yourself over the last decade or so, and not feel parts of you changing every day?

I changed the day I left school. There was a freedom there. Not from the restrictions of school - I loved those, cos I like rules. But from the restrictions of some of the people there, the narrowness I saw in their hearts.

I changed the day I left junior college. There was sadness there. I made some amazing friends in those 2 years, and time has scattered them all over the world. I miss knowing them like I did. Knowing their dreams. Their hopes. Someone ran away and got married. Someone got a divorce. Someone lost someone. And now all we have is fb to let us see snippets of their lives.

I changed the day I finished my degree. There was accomplishment there. The society needed me to be a graduate to prove myself worthy. But I met my sweetheart there. Learnt real love.

I changed the day I started my first job. There was defeat there. A colleague made fun of me. The company shut it's Indian operations. I didn't have a job for 2 months. I was scared of moving out of the city.

I changed the day I completed my Masters. I was a post-graduate. There was debate there. What does a book teach that real life cannot?

I changed the day I joined my first J2EE job. There was understanding there. I learnt to listen. I learnt to do.

I changed the day I joined my first investment bank. There was growth there. Who I am as a professional today is an amalgamation of 10 years, but the most I have learnt is from the 4 years there. The philosophies, the attitude, the understanding, the teachings.

I changed the day the company went bankrupt. There was shock there. How could this have happened?

I changed the day I resigned. There was amazement there. I didn't think I would do it. Or would want to.

And through the changes that studies and careers bring, life changes affect you most. My sister moved away. My family moved away. My mom died. I got married. I had a son.

Each part of my life, not 7 years, changed me. More will happen in life.

'Beatha leanann'.

Feelings

Everyone has them. Everyone hates them. Everyone wants them. We feel for the people we love, we feel for the people we hate. We feel a little more today, a little less tomorrow, a little not at all some days.

Feelings make us have expectations. Expectations give us disappointments. Disappointments make us judgemental. Judgements make us angry. We fight. We yell. We abuse. And somewhere we hate the people we loved. And wonder why. Why we loved them so much. Why we hate them now. And whether that hate is real or just disappointment. Or even judgement.

And yet. What would life be without feeling? That feeling gave me my parents. That feeling gave me my sisters. That feeling gave me the love of my life, and his little replica. And every day, there is fear that I will lose one of these. That agony is so much more real when you have actually lost someone, cos you know what it feels to never be able to hold that someone again, breathe them again.

But if I didn't feel, where would the memories come from?

iPhone OS4 on 3GS

Still investigating... But they gave me folders, and I love them already, more than I did with the phone itself!!'

Moments

Little moments:
- of pure pride when I look at what my 2-year old achieved - as he says his first phrase
- of accomplishment with a promotion and a new salary
- of satisfaction at selecting a new car with my hubby
- of peace with a book
- of hilarity with dharma and greg
- of rest with good sleep
- of love with hugs from my men
- of comraderie with my girl friends
- of friendship with an old friend
- of enthusiasm with shopping for new clothes and shoes

All this. One weekend. Thank you God for a wonderful life.

I made cake

For my sis. Rare for me. Unheard. And yet, there it is.


The left is the one from ribbons and balloons, the right is mine.

{Update} - "Above average" is what my hubby said about it. Guess who's never getting wife-made cake.

Losing friends...

A feeling I've had for a really long time is that I am not meant to have long term best friends. Memories of my childhood are of losing good friends for one reason or another since I fought with my first best friend. One moved schools, one building, one life. And over the years there have been good friends, friends I shared a large part of my life with. Ones I called my best friend over and over again. And each has left. Just the city or the country, but left. And I don't know if I lost touch cos I'm lazy, or cos it hurts too much to miss them.

And again, I have 2 great friends. People who listened, talked, shared and cared. One moves cities in 16 days. Another's husband has already left the city, and she will join him soon, someday. And I wonder why we make friends. Best friends.

If I had to

If I had to write a poem
I'd write about my love

If I had to sing a song
I'd sing about my son

But when I think of what I'm feeling
The words just do not rhyme
It's prose that I am thinking
When I think of me...

A day alone

I always thought I wasn't ready for vipasna, away from my son for 10 days seems unbelievable. But sometimes, I just wish for time alone. Completely alone. To think. To feel. To be me. To know me. Maybe I should do it. Go off somewhere alone. What does that kind of time mean?

I am who I am

Sometimes scared, sometimes confident. Sometimes aware, sometimes oblivious. Sometimes I know, often I don't. I care, but I'm selfish, but I care. I can do things, but may not want to. Or not like things, but do them cos I have to. I don't think I'm predictable, or consistent. But you may know me. I am what I am.

Havanbhat

My Legos-bred friend's description of havaban harde, the digestive pills that we pop like mints.

Valentine's day...

When u live with in-laws, you can't have much of a valentine's day at home. But they help take of child when u want to go out.

And when they're not around, child care is difficult, but the day is yours to plan.

And how does a couple struggling for privacy between in-laws and child decide to spend valentine's day when the in-laws are away? By calling the world and their spices (read spouces) over to celebrate. A choice between alone time and a wish for partying - both only possible on such rare occassions. And we choose both - morning as a family, evening as hosts :).

So happy valentine's day, and may live bloom in your hearts and souls this day of romance. And if you need a little something to make your day special, you welcome to our house (pls RSVP) to get a dose of true love.

American idol and voices..

Am watching American Idol, and just realized how much I'd love to be able to sing like that. I hear Sherrin sing, and it's always a beautiful voice, but songs I know, and maybe a comfort with that voice being my husband's.

But these guys play these songs, sing these words, evoke these emotions... Like I can feel what they're saying. Like I want to break into a song myself... Cos it feels like a kind of freedom to do that..

It's a nice day...

In-laws out of town, hubby, baby and I are chilling at home. A nice lazy day, well spent with my men, with good alone time as well to focus on myself. And freedom in the house, with comfort taken care of. A good day, god bless.

I'm not a bad person...

In my professional life, and my personal life, I am an average person. Or so I believe. I have my wants, my likes. My dislikes, my opinions. I think I am as opinionated or as selfish as the next person. I am just more open and honest about it. But then I am just as honest about my good points :).

I love books. And television. And can get quite engrossed in both. To the extent of forgetting the real world around me. So I try to avoid both when I'm taking care of my son. I also get caught up in the emotion of the story I am seeing or reading. So I may get excited, angry, ecstatic, romantic, scared or jumpy, depending on what I saw or read.

I'm a home person, which is my way of saying what my husband calls lazy. Which basically means if I have a choice between going out and staying in, chances are I'll stay in:).

I am now flabbier than I've ever been before, since my delivery. I was wonderfully fit during the pregnancy; five months at home and loads to eat have made me 9 kilos fatter than when I started with my pregnancy. And that's a lot I want to get rid off. I need time. With my son, away from my son and family and work, for myself, for gym. And for sleep. If I cud somehow reduce my love for sleep, I cud hit the gym in the mornings. Hmmmm.

So this is a start. These are things I know about myself. Most of these I accept. Some of these have caused me problems, as they've affected somebody else's life. And I hope that this blogging will help me analyze what is good about me, what is acceptable, and what needs to change.

But for tonight, I sleep with a question in my heart, but ok with myself for now.

To start with...

I started blogging with my pregnancy, an idea of wanting to capture memories for my angel.
And that continues at http://howmotherhoodhaschangedme.blogspot.com. But this is for me. My thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my frustrations, my joy. A diary if u will, but not so private. Join me if u wish a new friend.