Moving on

A lot of new stuff for me this last 2 decades. Someone said we change every 7 years. Can you look at yourself over the last decade or so, and not feel parts of you changing every day?

I changed the day I left school. There was a freedom there. Not from the restrictions of school - I loved those, cos I like rules. But from the restrictions of some of the people there, the narrowness I saw in their hearts.

I changed the day I left junior college. There was sadness there. I made some amazing friends in those 2 years, and time has scattered them all over the world. I miss knowing them like I did. Knowing their dreams. Their hopes. Someone ran away and got married. Someone got a divorce. Someone lost someone. And now all we have is fb to let us see snippets of their lives.

I changed the day I finished my degree. There was accomplishment there. The society needed me to be a graduate to prove myself worthy. But I met my sweetheart there. Learnt real love.

I changed the day I started my first job. There was defeat there. A colleague made fun of me. The company shut it's Indian operations. I didn't have a job for 2 months. I was scared of moving out of the city.

I changed the day I completed my Masters. I was a post-graduate. There was debate there. What does a book teach that real life cannot?

I changed the day I joined my first J2EE job. There was understanding there. I learnt to listen. I learnt to do.

I changed the day I joined my first investment bank. There was growth there. Who I am as a professional today is an amalgamation of 10 years, but the most I have learnt is from the 4 years there. The philosophies, the attitude, the understanding, the teachings.

I changed the day the company went bankrupt. There was shock there. How could this have happened?

I changed the day I resigned. There was amazement there. I didn't think I would do it. Or would want to.

And through the changes that studies and careers bring, life changes affect you most. My sister moved away. My family moved away. My mom died. I got married. I had a son.

Each part of my life, not 7 years, changed me. More will happen in life.

'Beatha leanann'.

Feelings

Everyone has them. Everyone hates them. Everyone wants them. We feel for the people we love, we feel for the people we hate. We feel a little more today, a little less tomorrow, a little not at all some days.

Feelings make us have expectations. Expectations give us disappointments. Disappointments make us judgemental. Judgements make us angry. We fight. We yell. We abuse. And somewhere we hate the people we loved. And wonder why. Why we loved them so much. Why we hate them now. And whether that hate is real or just disappointment. Or even judgement.

And yet. What would life be without feeling? That feeling gave me my parents. That feeling gave me my sisters. That feeling gave me the love of my life, and his little replica. And every day, there is fear that I will lose one of these. That agony is so much more real when you have actually lost someone, cos you know what it feels to never be able to hold that someone again, breathe them again.

But if I didn't feel, where would the memories come from?