I didn't mean it

Which is worse I wonder? A person who wields a gun or a sword and slashes you, knowing that it can hurt or even kill you. Or the person who didn't realise the impact their decision would have on you? Who took a decision without stopping to think how this would affect you - thought only of their problem and how the decision affects them.

Which is worse - someone to whom you matter so little that they consciously decide to hurt you, for they don't care how you feel. Or someone who claims you matter a lot, but cannot be bothered to understand how their decision affects you, impacts you, hurts you.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't stop and think what impact it would have on you. I only thought of what I needed.

Is that worse? Or better.

I

Rand called her philosophy "Objectivism", describing its essence as "the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute."

Ayn Rand

I find her an extremely interesting person, her philosophy extremely interesting. I don't know how much I agree with her. I do believe the 'I' is important. But to the extent she takes that concept? I wonder what society would be like - better or worse, and by whose perspective - if we did live the way she proposes. I do agree with a lot of what she says about the thinkers and leaders of the world and what they should be entitled to.

But the description of her ideal man brings the word 'selfish' to mind. I do not believe in selflessness myself, and have always stated that a certain level of selfishness is a must to ensure people don't treat you as a doormat. But sometimes I feel there is an extreme that she takes it to.

But then there are days when people take you for granted. When the male chauvinist world we live in, even as modern women in a cosmopolitan city, frustrates the crap out of me. More, it hurts that people still think they can think that way and make you feel like you're less important with no repercussions. And on those days, I feel like believing and being that person she describes. Or what I think is the person she describes anyways.

I will be who I want, the best that I believe I can be. Your definition of me does not matter. Your perception of me does not matter. I will not do something because I am afraid of whether you will approve. I will do what I feel is right based on what is important to me, how you treat me, how much respect I get for who I am. And I will not respect you for your position in society, in work or at home, but only for what you do to me, who you are as a person.

Today I really want to be able to feel and act that way. And have the courage the face the consequences of being that way. Today I want to be selfish.

Snoozing

I used to sleep in the bus while travelling. Thought that wasn't productive, so started staying up a bit more and more, to catch up on my office emails, news etc.

Then I got addicted to my phone. Music, Facebook, flipboard - I had to be connected. To the extent that if I was sleeping, and my sleep broke for a minute, I'd reach for the phone to check something online!

And so I decided to give my brain some peace. No bombardment of music or news or any information. Just nature as I travelled through some of the greenest parts of Mumbai (Aarey).

And now I may or may not sleep. But my mind is free to figure out what to notice. Birds, colors, sun. Or random thoughts of things for me to do. And maybe one day, my brain will learn again to do nothing, for a little while.

And I shall snooze :).

Spending philosophies

I have a colleague who puts almost the entire bonus he gets into a re-payment of some loan or the other, to reduce his emi. And saves a part of his salary each month to contribute to a bulk payment each year along with the bonus money.

My husband and I spend every penny of the bonus on something else - buying stuff for the house, for us, for our kid, or saving it for known future expenses or (not often enough) actual savings.

Mathematically what my colleague does makes more economic sense - the interest rates on the loans are way higher than most investment opportunities. He's cutting down his monthly expenses.

But emotionally? I cannot understand why I would spend my whole bonus paying off a loan I had agreed my salary can cover. I personally want that bulk money of a bonus for something special for me and my family - jewellery, phones, clothes, toys. All things I can - and do - buy regularly, but the pleasure of spending a large chunk of my hard earned money (or my hubby's :)) on something special once a year gives me immense pleasure.

I remember (and use) the car we used one bonus to buy, that gorgeous ring I wear from another bonus, or that gift we got for our son's birthday, or the party we planned for him.

And it comes down to this in my mind. Spend today, or save today. And I agree on the pension planning (and I admit I suck at it). But what will I do with even a million rupees when I am 60 (if I live). Maybe this is an after-effect of my mom's history and even her philosophy. But I want to live today. Enjoy today. And not be dead before I stop worrying or start enjoying.

But that's just me :). Maybe I'll be alive and destitute at 55 and wishing I had saved more (and definitely not written this blog) :).

Children

Thank God I have a son. Went to a party today and saw 10-year old girls all decked up. High heeled shoes, sexy (yes sexy) clothes. Some even had makeup on. And you could see the pressure - be prettier, be cooler. Talk like this, walk like that, accessorise correctly.

Most of the 10-year old boys looked like runts. Half chaddis, t-shirts. Some were coolly dressed, some didn't care. All were happy to run around being idiots. And right now, were paying no attention to the girls.

I don't know what to do with a girl! I can't braid her hair and put glitter. Or get latest fashion clothes and match and accessorise it. Boys wear pants. And t-shirts. And shoes. Yes his father yells at me if he's shoddily dressed, but he's around to make Kiaan look cool (and God bless, Kiaan makes cool easy today).

Thank God I have a boy.

What was that?

It was great, it was funny, it was amazing, hang on still reading... Damn it got refreshed!!! Ah, never mind.