Reading books

Reading Agatha Christie, and had an odd moment. When I read a book, unless it's completely horrendous, I usually get lost in the story. And for a few moments, I forget literally my environment. I still know I am reading a book, not living that life, but it's like I'm reading it in that environment. Or like watching a movie, if the book is that good.

And then there are moments when I cannot engross in the book, and instead I feel a bit like I am reading out loud to myself in my head, unable to fall into the book, but like I'm trying to force myself. And it's a weird out-of-body feeling really. More so than actually being lost in the book!

Kissi ka gussa kissi pe

I struggle with this. When I am upset - furious, boiling mad - I struggle with dealing with other people. When it's more subconscious, a tiredness or a general depression or whatever, I don't realise it and probably have an outburst before I realise it, and then am ok to deal with it, because I didn't know that I was mad :).

But when I know I am mad - hopping, swearing, fucking mad - and someone either related to that situation or person tries to or is talking to me, I struggle to stay fair or calm. I want to let the anger spill over - I won't help, I don't know, not my problem. And the 'I am fucking mad and I won't be nice' struggles with the 'its not their fault' and drives me freaking mad. All I want to do is be mad. And the stupid fairness-fairy or whatever little demon inside me won't shut up.

Good rant. Felt good :).

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me... Well no, not the song :).

But think about it. How do you explain what it feels like to know the love of a mother? What fills you (and I don't know why it fills my heart) when you get that hug of unconditional love? What is that feeling that makes you take a deep breath and feel 'contentment'?

What changes to find that one man that is more special than anyone else? Is it chemical? Then what's a parents love?

What makes a child so amazingly cuddly and snugly? What makes us find them cute and loveable? Why does a mother or a father go mad when their child giggles or gurgles?

Because I feel it. It's not theoretical. I've experienced it. Confident, 'it's there', strong love. For parents, for family, my husband, my son. The only way to describe it that makes sense is I need to fill a deep breath when I think of how much these people mean to me. I don't get why they do, as a logical question. But I get that they do.

But what IS love?

Someone

Have you ever looked at someone and thought - what is it like to live that life? To be that person? To face what they're facing. To think what they're thinking. I get these moments when I see an old woman with a big bag walk by. Or a young couple from college holding hands. Or a beggar on the street. Or some fancy looking woman in a big car. And wonder. What would that life be like?

Hard work, so many luxuries and opportunities I take for granted not there. What is that woman like today? What would I be like?

Or to be in college today, with so many options to spend money, and what would my parents have been able to allow me to do? Pubs, malls, so many places to blow up money. Would I have had money to wear designer clothes as a college kid in today's world?

Or to have shitload of money by virtue of my blood or marriage. No need to work, maybe even no desire to. What life does that woman live? How hard is it to be visible, rich, useless, beautiful?

It's about what ifs, what else my life could have been. But also, more, a specific someone else I see. And a wonder of what a huge plethora of lives people lead, things people do, struggles people face, joys people have. And the story my mind makes about his or her life.

Communication

How much do we communicate about communication? How much communication do we take for granted? What if you cannot SMS someone? Or pick up the phone and call someone? Or just check up on someone in an app like life360? Once you get used to technology it's such an ingrained part of your life. What do you do if it doesn't help?

I miss my husband. I see him on TV everyday (almost). Hear his voice everyday. But I miss talking with him.

OCD

Or whatever you call it. You ever had that thing where you are doing one thing, and you think of another thing. The other thing doesn't have to be done then. Or soon. But now you've had the thought. And you HAVE to do it.

Like crossing a road. I have to cross the road at some point I know. But I could walk a ways before it's necessary. But once I've had the thought, I have to wait and cross, even if there's traffic. I could just walk straight till the crossing is mandatory. But that feels like I was forced into it :). So I cross when I think about crossing.

See. OCD. Or whatever.

I had an epiphany

I'm having a lot of them lately. I like epiphanies. But I think this one will get me into trouble :).

But my epiphany. When women come to men with a problem, men try to solve it. This pisses women off. This is not part of my epiphany.

When men come to women, women do the SAME THING. Men just don't get pissed off because that's how they would have handled it!

That is my epiphany. I can hear my husband go - so I can do what you do and you can't be mad at me right? Crap.