Holiday weekends

A weekend that starts off with you knowing Monday is also off is the awesomest weekend. And one knowing the whole week after is also off, is amazing :). A regular Saturday and Sunday, but the knowledge of more time ahead, allowed me to chill, shop, relax, knowing I have more time to do the same, so no hurry to relax all in 2 days. Trying to relax can be so stressful :).

Gravity

Watched the movie today, and someone asked me to write my views on it on my blog :). Surprisingly I don't think I have ever written what I think of something I have seen or read here...

It's amazing that there are still stories that surprise me. With all that the Internet has to offer, I didn't expect I would be as amazed by this movie as I was. Yes yes I have told you I liked the movie. Let me try talking about what I liked - difficult cos I forgot most of it :), and not cos it was a bad movie, but cos I have a sucky memory.

Where was I? Right, Gravity.

The concept - someone doing something in space, and the possibility that something can go so wrong that they can just drift. It's amazingly scary. I was almost claustrophobic during the early part of the movie. Yes I know it's space and big and infinite. But imagine - seeing exactly that same - or same-looking - view for lord knows how long before you die. I feel claustrophobic thinking about it now...

And the camera-angles on that part, the direction, the way that the world looks from her eyes, and then the 3D!!! Amazing!!

A whole lot of it has then been forgotten - I mean I know it was an awesome story, and I really enjoyed the movie. But (exposure to Internet mentioned above) it's great story and great movement, but at the end of the day a bit predictable, and a bit far-fetched in places.

But the other part that stands out - George Clooney. Other than the fact his voice is amazing in the movie at the start, and you finally get to see his face in that scene, the fact that they brought him in, and took him away, was fabulous. Not just that scene, but the whole movie. I repeat - amazing! And did I mention the awesome humor?

And I will pause on Sandra Bullock - if they hadn't focused on her body and done the over-the-top foetal position, I would have probably had a lot more to say about her awesome body. But I loved seeing her after such a long time, and still love her acting. I forget Sandra Bullock during the movie (except for said duh parts), and love her character.

And for anyone expecting a more intellectual review, duh. I'm a woman, watching a movie with George Clooney, and I am on holiday :). But that was a really good movie.

iPhones and iOS 7

I like new things. Ok scratch that, LOVE new things. Probably spend a lot on them that I forever feel I don't have enough to spend on them :).

And phones. Ohh I love new phones. The magic of them, of unwrapping that sealed box to find the joys hidden inside. Even when I've read everything available on the net about the new phone, I am still excited about how all that feels in my hand.

And I try to be fair in the iOS vs android war. But I love my iPhone. It isn't about a Mercedes vs a Honda or anything like that. An iPhone gives me what I want, and that's what matters. It's easy, intuitive, fast and not glitchy. I have used. Samsung Galaxy Note, and yes that was a first big Android phone and not a good example. But I've also used my cousin's Nexus and played with a a few friends' Samsung Galaxy phones. And yes I miss a big screen sometimes. But I really LOVE my iPhone.

My best example - my dad is a doc. And really stubborn to change. And has fat fingers. When touch screens came out, he refused to consider them. And absolutely wouldn't consider getting rid of any of the 3-4 really old phones he had that I had given up. Nokia N73, Nokia E 71.

And I bought an iPhone 4 and gave him my iPhone 3GS. This adamant, won't change a thing, I won't use any other phone man was using the iPhone in 20 hours. I mean really using it. Playing around with all features. Using the browser to google all about Apple and Steve Jobs. And calling me and telling me things I didn't know. Including Ben 10s full name (Benjamin Tennyson).

And today he loves the phone so much he's been hinting at wanting the new iPhone 5 for the whole off at year (and I'm sure I'll hear about 5S this weekend).

Even so many years and almost-nothing-changed later, it still is an awesome phone. And Apple managed to do what Nokia couldn't with me. See I was a hard core Nokia fan for the same reasons - absolutely intuitive interface, simple clicks (I hate clicking twice if I can do it in 1). But the same thing I loved about Nokia was the reason I left it finally - it didn't change. At all. Within 20 mins of having a new phone, I couldn't tell what was different about the phone, and I'd be bored. And want something new.

And what Apple has done was perfect - I have a new iOS that makes me FEEL like I have a new phone. Without paying a single paisa. I MAY last this year without a new phone, cos I have a new phone :). The icons are cute, the font sizes fun to find bugs in, the parallax way cool, INFINITE ITEMS IN ONE FOLDER - this is my winner. And as all apps change with iOS 7, something new in my pocket (fine, purse) everyday!!!

I am so happy. Apple, waiting for iPhone 6. And maybe it'll be the iPad this year - hubby took my iPad away for his music, and I need one for my work (yes need, bugger off). Maybe I'll even try the mini, just cos.

Letting it out.

Writing is a need for me. Some thoughts stay in my head till I put them down. Some are deeply personal (or just plain scary :)), and I put them down in my diary. Some are more loud and need visibility, I put them here because this is public, but still less known. And some need acknowledgement and those go on FB. But if I don't write them down anywhere, they swirl in my head and go round and round with options, possibilities, questions. The instant they're written, they seem to leave me in peace. As if their purpose is done - those string of words in that sequence needed to be noted down somewhere and are happy to be strung together and don't need to reside in my head anymore.

Final farewell

It's funny what we think of as a final farewell to the people who pass away. When someone passes away far from us, we know they're gone, but till we see the body it's almost as if this isn't real and will change. Even then they look like they're sleeping, maybe they'll wake up.

And when they take the body away - in India the women can't go to the funeral so the walk away from home is the final look - it hits you. You can never see that face again in real life, never touch it. You can see photos, hear videos. But those arms are gone. Those eyes are closed. And though they stopped being 'them' the instant the soul left, this is the final goodbye. For you, not for them.

And it's a kind of ritual that's a bit silly and yet gives comfort - the prayers they sing as they take the person away. The words make you cry more because there is a finality - that prayer, that 'ram naam satya hai', so unrelated it feels, yet that's it, that's the final toll of the bell that means goodbye. And yet I found it peaceful, because it makes you acknowledge something, gives you closure. You have no choice but to accept the death. And that allows you to move on. And I can understand why family want to wait for people from far away to come, to give them a chance for that closure.

It makes sense. But man it hurts.

Days when you...

Wake up feeling different. Some days there is a lot of energy and joy. Some days are quieter. It's one of those days today. Missing my mom, my family who aren't close anymore... I always say I'm mush since my son's birthday - a tap waiting to leak :). Today is one of those days, were it feels like I have feelings up to my neck waiting to spill out.

I think it's all the holidays, all the birthdays. August is filled with these for me and in India. And as you wish everyone that's far away or no longer around, you think more and more of them....

Ah well, good morning...

What happened to safety?

As a woman, I used to be quite the new age girl - ricks are good, taxis are safe. I can travel anywhere, at any time, as long as I am sensible about the time and the place. But the Delhi incident (Nirbhaya) and that lawyer who was attacked by the delivery guy have left me shaken. If I am alone in the house, I lock up twice, and am doubly sensitive to sounds. I wonder how the rick wala is looking at me, or the delivery guy. I have installed Life 360 app on my phone, and always keep in touch with some family member when I travel later in the night. Keep my pepper spray more accessible even within my purse, when I am alone or travelling late with my son.

Took my son to the garden today. A garden I have played in as a child a thousand times. But today, I was a lone woman with my son. And I was wary of any man that was close to me, to my son. Out of the 4 men I saw, 2 were some sort of dancers, just practicing, probably having no place to practice at home. One was just running around, had his headphones on. And one just hovered. And he worried me. And I wanted to let my son have his time. But I wanted to run. Between the fear of someone kidnapping my son, and something happening to me, most of these outings are sometimes not worth it. This is why I prefer malls.

I miss the Mumbai I used to be brave in. As an accomplished woman, successful in her career, happy to have a balanced role where I don't have to overly prove myself, yet have certain privileges as a working mother, I have found life extremely suitable to a woman. But no amount of success, of achievements, of capability, take away the vulnerability and fear of being a woman in a world of men that can and do take advantage.

When does Kalyug end again?

Scary forwards!!!

Got this scary message forward - one about some dad who whacked his kid's hand with a wrench when the kid scratched on the car; later found out he had scratched "I love you", and now the kid had lost his fingers. Dad committed suicide. A part of me goes - does a parent really do that? I mean seriously? For a car? And a part of me wonders - can I get that caught up in my day, my anger, that I would not only be that mad at my child, but actually hurt him that much? Such things make you stop and wonder. 

I read about all the things that happen to children these days. And I cannot imagine any of it ever happening to my child - I think a lot of odd things, and I process the oddest of possibilities. But anything happening to my child? It's a thought my mind won't complete. 

Interpret this

Look at these series of events and tell me - do I read these as bad luck or good luck?

My uncle has a bad illness so he comes to stay with my dad. My aunt comes to take care of him. Uncle passes away. Aunt stays on. My dad has company.

My dad's building's meter room catches fire, dad's house is un-liveable. Dad and aunt move into my new house, enabling me to move into it - she helps set it up and make it liveable.

Sherrin gets a chance in Malayalee House, staying away from me for 6-7 weeks. My dad and aunt with me, so me not alone. And Sherrin not around so his work not impacted with so many people in the house.

My dad has a heart attack. He gets his treatment in his area. He moves back into his house, now liveable. My aunt takes care of him. I am fully functional in my own home.

My husband will come back soon. To a house now ours with all guests gone. My dad is back is in his house, healthy, safe and still with company. My house is setup.

And yet there were three tragedies or almost-tragedies that caused all of this. But see the sequence. Any of these things out of order and these events could have been disastrous. But the way these happened, something good came out of each situation.

Interpret this. God bless.

Agatha Christie

Reading some collection I got for free on Amazon. I really like to mysteries, the stories, the human angle. But the - depravity I believe is the word she herself uses for human nature - so depravity that underlines her stories gets to me sometimes. With the influencibility - I know that's not a word but whatever - that I have with books and tv, I absorb that mood and that desperateness or horridness, and it stays with me a while before I can shake it off.

Reading books

Reading Agatha Christie, and had an odd moment. When I read a book, unless it's completely horrendous, I usually get lost in the story. And for a few moments, I forget literally my environment. I still know I am reading a book, not living that life, but it's like I'm reading it in that environment. Or like watching a movie, if the book is that good.

And then there are moments when I cannot engross in the book, and instead I feel a bit like I am reading out loud to myself in my head, unable to fall into the book, but like I'm trying to force myself. And it's a weird out-of-body feeling really. More so than actually being lost in the book!

Kissi ka gussa kissi pe

I struggle with this. When I am upset - furious, boiling mad - I struggle with dealing with other people. When it's more subconscious, a tiredness or a general depression or whatever, I don't realise it and probably have an outburst before I realise it, and then am ok to deal with it, because I didn't know that I was mad :).

But when I know I am mad - hopping, swearing, fucking mad - and someone either related to that situation or person tries to or is talking to me, I struggle to stay fair or calm. I want to let the anger spill over - I won't help, I don't know, not my problem. And the 'I am fucking mad and I won't be nice' struggles with the 'its not their fault' and drives me freaking mad. All I want to do is be mad. And the stupid fairness-fairy or whatever little demon inside me won't shut up.

Good rant. Felt good :).

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me... Well no, not the song :).

But think about it. How do you explain what it feels like to know the love of a mother? What fills you (and I don't know why it fills my heart) when you get that hug of unconditional love? What is that feeling that makes you take a deep breath and feel 'contentment'?

What changes to find that one man that is more special than anyone else? Is it chemical? Then what's a parents love?

What makes a child so amazingly cuddly and snugly? What makes us find them cute and loveable? Why does a mother or a father go mad when their child giggles or gurgles?

Because I feel it. It's not theoretical. I've experienced it. Confident, 'it's there', strong love. For parents, for family, my husband, my son. The only way to describe it that makes sense is I need to fill a deep breath when I think of how much these people mean to me. I don't get why they do, as a logical question. But I get that they do.

But what IS love?

Someone

Have you ever looked at someone and thought - what is it like to live that life? To be that person? To face what they're facing. To think what they're thinking. I get these moments when I see an old woman with a big bag walk by. Or a young couple from college holding hands. Or a beggar on the street. Or some fancy looking woman in a big car. And wonder. What would that life be like?

Hard work, so many luxuries and opportunities I take for granted not there. What is that woman like today? What would I be like?

Or to be in college today, with so many options to spend money, and what would my parents have been able to allow me to do? Pubs, malls, so many places to blow up money. Would I have had money to wear designer clothes as a college kid in today's world?

Or to have shitload of money by virtue of my blood or marriage. No need to work, maybe even no desire to. What life does that woman live? How hard is it to be visible, rich, useless, beautiful?

It's about what ifs, what else my life could have been. But also, more, a specific someone else I see. And a wonder of what a huge plethora of lives people lead, things people do, struggles people face, joys people have. And the story my mind makes about his or her life.

Communication

How much do we communicate about communication? How much communication do we take for granted? What if you cannot SMS someone? Or pick up the phone and call someone? Or just check up on someone in an app like life360? Once you get used to technology it's such an ingrained part of your life. What do you do if it doesn't help?

I miss my husband. I see him on TV everyday (almost). Hear his voice everyday. But I miss talking with him.

OCD

Or whatever you call it. You ever had that thing where you are doing one thing, and you think of another thing. The other thing doesn't have to be done then. Or soon. But now you've had the thought. And you HAVE to do it.

Like crossing a road. I have to cross the road at some point I know. But I could walk a ways before it's necessary. But once I've had the thought, I have to wait and cross, even if there's traffic. I could just walk straight till the crossing is mandatory. But that feels like I was forced into it :). So I cross when I think about crossing.

See. OCD. Or whatever.

I had an epiphany

I'm having a lot of them lately. I like epiphanies. But I think this one will get me into trouble :).

But my epiphany. When women come to men with a problem, men try to solve it. This pisses women off. This is not part of my epiphany.

When men come to women, women do the SAME THING. Men just don't get pissed off because that's how they would have handled it!

That is my epiphany. I can hear my husband go - so I can do what you do and you can't be mad at me right? Crap.

Continuing...

With the 'who came up with this idea' theme... Why are men from Mars and women from Venus? I mean, either it is Adam and Eve and God really has a wicked sense of humour with the kind of opposites he made to be together. Or the whole 'aliens accelerated evolution' is true and they're a bunch of sadistic morons.

I mean, think about it. For GENERATIONS men and women have been cribbing about each other and arguing about the others bad habits. But they still seem to be bloody crazy about each other, and nowhere close to giving heterosexual lives up. I do feel homosexuality is on the rise and there may be something there :), but still. Think about it. How women drive cars, how women withdraw money from an ATM. How men leave the toilet seat up, how men fart.

And yet. Love, food, sex, arguments, opinions, tantrums and all, men and women cannot live without each other. As much as they drive each other up (or off) the wall, they balance each other.

And WHO THOUGHT OF THAT??

So what?

More people are mean than nice. More people are rude than polite. More people are sad than happy. More people cheat than play fair. More people lie than be honest.

Yet we have rules, values, laws, religion that forbid all of these. If this 'badness' is so natural, so obvious, why all the rules? Who decided this is good or right compared to the other? Where did the conscience come from and why is it not more prevalent? Or why did it come at all?

It's so weird that something that is relatively more rare is considered the right thing. That something that's not natural is considered good. And I don't mean to disagree. I just wonder - what were we all like? And who decided that that which we all feel naturally inclined to do is wrong? AND WHO AGREED? How many agreed? Cos it took a lot of people, in power, to make those laws. To make those rules. People who themselves probably didn't obey those rules.

So WHY did someone or a group of someones make such rules? And how did it even occur to them that that which is unnatural is good? Did someone decide to play a colossal joke on humans to say - I know how hard it is to be 'good', so here are a bunch of rules that I know you cannot follow, so I'm making them up so you can always feel like shit about yourself? Or was it more - aspirational? I know these are difficult, but aspiring to be better will make you better. I would like to believe the latter rather than the former, but WHO thought like that? And had enough power to implement that?

Inertia

I have HIGH inertia. It takes me ages to do a thing differently or try something new. (I can hear my husband and friends rolling their eyes). But what can also happen with inertia - once I accept the change, I am just as committed to the new thing.

Dichotomy

Have you ever had a day when you've been your most constructive and your least? Where you've been most patient and correct in one situation, and completely lost your cool in another?

I know circumstances, situations, people all impact how we react (well it does for me :)). But it's just amazing how 10 mins ago I was the perfect representation of proper behaviour, and 10 mins later I was unconstructive and impatient :).

I didn't mean it

Which is worse I wonder? A person who wields a gun or a sword and slashes you, knowing that it can hurt or even kill you. Or the person who didn't realise the impact their decision would have on you? Who took a decision without stopping to think how this would affect you - thought only of their problem and how the decision affects them.

Which is worse - someone to whom you matter so little that they consciously decide to hurt you, for they don't care how you feel. Or someone who claims you matter a lot, but cannot be bothered to understand how their decision affects you, impacts you, hurts you.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't stop and think what impact it would have on you. I only thought of what I needed.

Is that worse? Or better.

I

Rand called her philosophy "Objectivism", describing its essence as "the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute."

Ayn Rand

I find her an extremely interesting person, her philosophy extremely interesting. I don't know how much I agree with her. I do believe the 'I' is important. But to the extent she takes that concept? I wonder what society would be like - better or worse, and by whose perspective - if we did live the way she proposes. I do agree with a lot of what she says about the thinkers and leaders of the world and what they should be entitled to.

But the description of her ideal man brings the word 'selfish' to mind. I do not believe in selflessness myself, and have always stated that a certain level of selfishness is a must to ensure people don't treat you as a doormat. But sometimes I feel there is an extreme that she takes it to.

But then there are days when people take you for granted. When the male chauvinist world we live in, even as modern women in a cosmopolitan city, frustrates the crap out of me. More, it hurts that people still think they can think that way and make you feel like you're less important with no repercussions. And on those days, I feel like believing and being that person she describes. Or what I think is the person she describes anyways.

I will be who I want, the best that I believe I can be. Your definition of me does not matter. Your perception of me does not matter. I will not do something because I am afraid of whether you will approve. I will do what I feel is right based on what is important to me, how you treat me, how much respect I get for who I am. And I will not respect you for your position in society, in work or at home, but only for what you do to me, who you are as a person.

Today I really want to be able to feel and act that way. And have the courage the face the consequences of being that way. Today I want to be selfish.

Snoozing

I used to sleep in the bus while travelling. Thought that wasn't productive, so started staying up a bit more and more, to catch up on my office emails, news etc.

Then I got addicted to my phone. Music, Facebook, flipboard - I had to be connected. To the extent that if I was sleeping, and my sleep broke for a minute, I'd reach for the phone to check something online!

And so I decided to give my brain some peace. No bombardment of music or news or any information. Just nature as I travelled through some of the greenest parts of Mumbai (Aarey).

And now I may or may not sleep. But my mind is free to figure out what to notice. Birds, colors, sun. Or random thoughts of things for me to do. And maybe one day, my brain will learn again to do nothing, for a little while.

And I shall snooze :).

Spending philosophies

I have a colleague who puts almost the entire bonus he gets into a re-payment of some loan or the other, to reduce his emi. And saves a part of his salary each month to contribute to a bulk payment each year along with the bonus money.

My husband and I spend every penny of the bonus on something else - buying stuff for the house, for us, for our kid, or saving it for known future expenses or (not often enough) actual savings.

Mathematically what my colleague does makes more economic sense - the interest rates on the loans are way higher than most investment opportunities. He's cutting down his monthly expenses.

But emotionally? I cannot understand why I would spend my whole bonus paying off a loan I had agreed my salary can cover. I personally want that bulk money of a bonus for something special for me and my family - jewellery, phones, clothes, toys. All things I can - and do - buy regularly, but the pleasure of spending a large chunk of my hard earned money (or my hubby's :)) on something special once a year gives me immense pleasure.

I remember (and use) the car we used one bonus to buy, that gorgeous ring I wear from another bonus, or that gift we got for our son's birthday, or the party we planned for him.

And it comes down to this in my mind. Spend today, or save today. And I agree on the pension planning (and I admit I suck at it). But what will I do with even a million rupees when I am 60 (if I live). Maybe this is an after-effect of my mom's history and even her philosophy. But I want to live today. Enjoy today. And not be dead before I stop worrying or start enjoying.

But that's just me :). Maybe I'll be alive and destitute at 55 and wishing I had saved more (and definitely not written this blog) :).